The Calming Before the Storm
by BlahBlahBlahhheck
Summary: Takes place after "Undercover". Olivia must deal with the issues that arise after her attack at Sealview. Will she suffer alone or will she finally allow a certain blue eyed man to help her?  Definately going to be E/O later on.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing

She never would have believed she would end up here. Surrounded by expensive abstract artwork and oversized furniture she feels herself begin to sweat. This isn't new. In fact this was her fifth appointment, but this was something she just could not get used to.

"Please Olivia, sit." Dr. Walker smiled warmly.

Olivia clasped her damp palms together before slowly lowering herself into the large leather chair behind her. Everything was too calm, like the calming before a terrible storm. Part of her wished she never would have come here in the first place.

"So Olivia, how are you feeling?" Dr. Walker always opened with this question. Olivia hated it. It was so vague. Her eyes began to wander around before finally settling on the large bay windows on the other side of the room. Outside it was beginning to sprinkle, little drops of percipitation lightly bounced off the glass. The sky was a deep, ugly gray.

"Olivia? Are you alright?" Her psychiatrist's worry filled voiced snapped Olivia back to reality.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I drifted off for a second." Olivia made an attempt to smile.

"Has that been happening a lot recently?" Ah, here we go. The therapy has begun. It's amazing how everything that slips out of your mouth can be turned into some wonderful insight into your "true emotions". Olivia groaned quietly before speaking.

"I don't know. Sometimes, I guess." Dr. Walker scribbled violently into her notebook. Olivia shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She had barely said two sentences! What could she possibly be writing about?

"Do you think this..."zoning out" has affected your ability to perform well at work?"

"No." Olivia hastily answered.

"Okay, okay." Dr. Walker raised her wrinkled hands in a sort of defensive position.

"How's your sleep been?" She looked up over her thick rimmed glasses at the detective.

"Poor. I haven't slept well since the..." Olivia abruptly stopped herself, "it's been poor."

"You were about to say something earlier before you repeated yourself."

"It's was nothing. I stumbled over my own words." Olivia began gnawing on her fingernails, a nasty habit that had recently formed.

"Olivia, I really think we need to talk about what you went through a few months ago..." Olivia cut Dr. Walker off.

"We already did. I told you everything during the first appointment." Outside the rain began to pound on the roof, thunder lightly boomed in the distnace.

"Well yes, you told me about it, but we never addressed how you felt about it."

Olivia looked down at the overly clean floor. She could see her reflection in the wood. She continued biting her nails, not realizing her fingertips were beginning to bleed. Tiny streams of crimson escaped from the pulsating nail beds. She didn't want to talk about _that. _She didn't want to think about _him_. She had already told Dr. Walker what had happened, wasn't that enough? Wasn't it enough that she was the only one who truely knew what happened to her that day down to the last disguisting detail? As silly as it was, Olivia really believed that if she just told someone, anyone, about what had happened these "issues" she was having would disappear.

"Olivia?" Her face grew hot. She had zoned out again. Her shirt was beginning to turn a dark shade of blue under her rib cage. She was sweating like a mad woman.

"Sorry." Olivia began to examine her bloody fingers.

"Would you like to wash your hands?"

"No. I'm okay. I don't know where this awful habit has come from." Olivia crossed her arms, hiding her embarressing hands under her armpits. Silence filled the room again.

"So you work sex crimes. That most be tough seeing such brutallity everyday."

"You learn to cope with it. You have to be strong, both when dealing with victims and perps."

"Do you ever talk to anyone about your work?" Dr. Walker began writing in her notebook again.

"Umm, well I talk with my partner about it." Olivia felt slight twinge of happiness at the thought of him. For a moment she was at ease, she felt safe.

"You work with a partner? What is she like?" Dr. Walker seemed to be aware of Olivia's mood change.

"It's a he actually. His name is Elliot Stabler. We've worked together for a little over ten years now."

"Ten years? Wow, that's a long time. Judging by your expression you most be quite fond of this Elliot Stabler." Olivia felt her cheeks grow red.

"He's my best friend. I trust him more than anybody else I know." Olivia released a faint smile.

"Have you talked to him about Sealview?" Any small amount of happiness Olivia was beginning to feel was quickly extinguished. The question seemed to only echo louder and louder in the silence.

"No." Olivia's voice cracked.

"Does he know you were attacked?" Olivia felt tears beginning to form.

"He knows something happened but I never actually talked with him about it." She felt as though she was choking. The room slowly began to revolve around her.

"Olivia, you're looking really pale." Dr. Walker stood up and took a few steps toward her. Olivia's fingers were digging into the soft leather that surrounded her. She couldn't breathe.

"Olivia, Olivia?" The psychiatrist quickly helped Olivia out of the chair and laid her down on the floor. The wood felt cool on her hot back. Sweat began streaming down her face. Black dots began to attack her vision, she was going to lose conciousness. She felt Dr. Walker prop her legs up on the chair she had been sitting in trying to get the blood flow back into her head.

"Olivia, can you say something honey?" The room had finally stopped spinning.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Olivia whispered over and over feeling embarressed and extremely upset. What was happening to her?

"It's okay. You had a panic attack that's all. Lots of people have them. You're going to be okay. Try to stop crying honey. It makes it harder for you to breathe." Dr. Walker held Olivia's wrist in her hand taking her pulse. Olivia lightly banged her head on the floor. After laying down for about five minutes Dr. Walker finally allowed Olivia to sit up.

"How do you feel? Are you alright?"

"Yeah. Fine." Olivia grunted as she quickly stood up. Outside the storm had gotten worse, lightning light up the dark sky. The weather almost seemed angry.

"Olivia, I would like you to try some medication. I think it could really help." Olivia ran her hand through her short brunette hair. Had she really sunk that low?

"Medication is nothing to be ashamed of and it's not permanent. Some people need extra help." Olivia couldn't bring herself to even look at Dr. Walker. She felt so pathetic.

"Please just try it." The psychiatrist grabbed her prescription pad and began her scribbling. She ripped the top page off and handed it to Olivia. She heisitated for a second before finally accepting the small piece of green paper.

"Thanks. I think I better get going. I've already been here five minutes too long." Olivia spoke as she began wallking toward the door.

"I want to see you next week, Olivia." The detective stopped and slowly turned around.

"Okay. I'll call you to set up an appointment, but I've got to go." Olivia's hand had barely touched the door knob before Dr. Walker spoke again.

"Please call me if you begin to feel overwhelmed." Olivia didn't turn around this time. She simply mumbled 'okay' before stepping outside and closing the door.

She stood under the porch and stared at the rain that continued to pour. The wind violently gusted, slightly lifting her shirt and messing up her hair. Olivia began walking up the drive way toward her car allowing the rain to wash over her.

She sat in her car for maybe ten minutes just sobbing, the weather drowning out any noise she was making. She drew her knees up to her chest and buried her head in her legs. She felt wrecked, damaged beyond repair. She wasn't the same Olivia Benson she had once been.

She slowly sat up and put her key in the ignition. The car roared to life and she shifted the car into reverse. Her phone buzzed in her jacket pocket.

**Caught a case. Where R U?-Stabler**

Olivia sighed as she punched the numbers on her cell phone.

**Got a bite to eat. On my way now.-Benson. Send.**

She waited a few moments for him to respond.

**Food w/o me? I'm hurt:( Drive safely. This weather is nuts! I don't want to have to break in another partner;D-Stabler**

Olivia smiled as she shoved the phone back into her pocket and began to make her way back to the precinct. He was the one good thing she still had. Without him...

"I don't know what I'd do without him." Olivia spoke aloud to herself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

"Damn Liv! You decide to go swimming or something?" Fin asked with a puzzled look on his face. Olivia pulled her jacket tighter around her body and took a seat at her desk. Water dripped from her hair onto the pile of papers infront of her. Elliot stared silently at his partner.

"What?" Olivia's voice cracked as she began shuffling mindlessly through the mess that covered her work area.

"You ok?" Elliot asked bluntly. Munch and Fin quickly stopped what they were doing and turned to face Olivia.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Olivia spit back. Her face was quickly becoming more and more red.

"Something's been off with you lately. You know it, I know it. Hell, everyone in this entire precinct has noticed it." Elliot began speaking much quieter now. Olivia felt sick. She felt her whole body begin to tremble.

"How about you mind your own damn business, Stabler." Olivia didn't know what was happening. The words weren't coming from her. They were just formulating themselves on their own.

"Olivia, I'm worried about y-" Olivia slammed the palm of her hand on her desk and shot up from her chiar.

"Oh really? You're fucking worried about me? Ha! What about you, Mr. Anger Managemnt Issues? Why don't you work on your own damn problems before you try "worrying" about mine!" Olivia felt tears begin to stream down her face. Everything around her was moving so fast.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Elliot yelled as Olivia turned to walk away. Elliot quickly reached out and grabbed her by the wrist.

"Let me go, now." Olivia hissed as she yanked her hand away from him. Fin and Munch stared at each other in disbelief. Olivia began rubbing her wrist and hurridly left the squad room.

"What is going on with her?" Elliot whispered to himself. Munch stood up and walked across the room to get some coffee.

"Women..." Munch huffed trying his best to break the tension. Elliot collapsed in his desk chair and stared down at the floor.

"Stabler, you okay?" Fin asked suddenly with a hint of fear in his voice. Elliot looked up.

"Yeah, fine and dandy. Why?" Elliot replied as his mind tried to piece together what just happened.

"Dude. What the hell did you do to your hand? That looks like a pretty nasty cut." Fin pointed down to the slick red substance coating the inside of Elliot's right hand.

"What the-" Elliot frantically began examining his new injury. How did this happen? His hand didn't even hurt! He quickly realized after staring at his hand for a few seconds there was no cut.

"The blood's not from me." Elliot spoke with a puzzled look on his face. Fin stood up and looked at Elliots hand.

"That's definately blood, Stabler." Fin stated as Elliot began making his way toward the restroom.

"I'll be right back. I've got to wash this off." Elliot nodded as he exited the room. Upon entering the restroom he quickly stuck his hand under the faucet and turned on the water as hot as he could stand it. How in the hell did someone else's blood get on his body without him even realizing? The crimson began to quickly disappear from his hand as it circled down the drain. Suddenly, Elliot felt his stomach begin to churn.

"It's Olivia's blood..." Elliot gasped as he took off down the hall and out the front door.

[Insert Line Break]

_Oh God, Oh God, Oh God. What is wrong with me? _

Olivia stood in her kitchen as she frenziedly searched for something to drink. Vodka. That would do just fine. She quickly poured herself a glass, her hand shaking violently as she did so. She just needed things to slow down, to stop spinning. Why was everything falling apart? She placed the bottle of vodka on the counter and began to quickly swallow the warm, clear liquid. She poured herself another glass before stumbling to her bedroom where she sat on the edge of her bed.

_**You must like it rough...**_

There it was again. _His _voice. She felt bile begin to rise up in her throat. She hastily finsihed her second glass of vodka and placed the empty glass on her dresser.

_**I'm going to take my time with you...**_

Olivia slammed her eyes shut as she placed her hands on either side of her head.

"Please! Please, just stop!" Olivia cried out. She looked over at the empty glass in front of her. Her reflection glinted off the cup.

_**Keep screaming...No one can hear you...**_

Olivia took a firm hold of the glass and slung it across the room and into the wall, sending shards of glass flying in all directions. Olivia was now sobbing so hard she could no longer breathe.

"Please! Just SHUT UP!" Olivia collapsed onto the carpet. It was then she felt it. Her release lay beneath her left palm, a tiny cool piece of glass. She gingerly lifted the small object up off the carpet and began to roll up her sleeve, slowly exposing the horror beneath. Deep red cuts blanketed with dried blood covered her wrist.

_**You bite me, you're dead...**_

Olivia began to frantically slash her skin, digging deeper and deeper with each attempt. Blood bubbled from the newly formed gashes flowing rapidly down her arm and onto the carpet. She didn't care. She would continue to cut until the voices stopped. Until _his _voice stopped.

_Olivia, you have to stop. You're going to kill youself._

_**You little bitch...there's no way out...**_

The room was spinning faster and faster as Olivia continued hack into her arm. She heard a loud pounding noise in the background. It was so loud...

"Olivia! OLIVIA! Open the door!" Olivia dropped the piece of bloodied glass onto the floor suddenly realizing what she had just done. She quickly placed her other hand across her wrist and began to put pressure on the pulsating wounds. Crimson liquid gushed through her fingers as she tried desperately to get the bleeding to stop.

"OLIVIA!" She couldn't talk, she couldn't move. Everything was frozen in place. She wanted to call out to Elliot. She wanted to scream. Instead she watched as her room slowly began to lose focus and she was quickly swallowed up into nothingness.

REVIEWS ARE GREATTTTT.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I own nothing

"_Honey…Sweet heart can you hear me? Can you tell me your name? Do you know where you are? Hurry, someone help me get her up off the floor…" an unfamiliar female voice flooded her mind._

"_Olivia! Olivia, please open your eyes…" Elliot? What was going on? She wanted desperately to disappear back from where ever she had come from._

"_Sir, we're going to need you to step back." The light was so bright. Couldn't they see how much the light pained her? It was melting her skin, her body would soon be a coat of hot wax on the now blood stained carpet. Blood. Had she hurt herself? Shards of glasses shimmered on the floor beside her._

_**Of course you hurt yourself. Remember? I own you, Olivia. You'll never escape me.**_

[Insert Line Break]

The first thing Olivia could remember was being cold. No, not cold. She was freezing. Her body felt as though it had been chilled in a bucket of ice for hours. She slowly got up the nerve to open her eyes. She was in a hospital bed beneath a pile of about 6 towel-like blankets. Her brain felt as though it were trapped in quick sand. She was having extreme difficulty putting together her own thoughts. She did soon realize however that she was alone.

_**You're not alone stupid girl. I'm still here.**_

Olivia quickly shook her head and tried to stand. Her wrists remained restrained to the bars attached to the hospital bed.

"Damn." Olivia whispered to herself and rested her head back on the pile of pillows beneath her. White gauze bandages snaked their way up both of the detective's arms. What had she done? She was going to have a lot of fun explaining this one…

_**You're not going to explain anything. **_

Olivia shook her head again. The voice wasn't real. It wasn't. It couldn't be.

_**Are you sure about that?**_

"Knock, knock. I see someone's finally awake." A male doctor in his mid-forties entered the room. His eyes were dark and his hair was thinning. He wore black, thick rimmed glasses that made him look like a bug.

"Yeah." Olivia's voice cracked. What the hell was she supposed to say?

_**Nothing.**_

"Well Miss Olivia, you seemed to have had quite the episode…" Olivia quickly cut him off.

"Well, I had been drinking and I normally wouldn't have acted in such an irrational manner…"

"Do you drink often, Miss Benson?" The doctor's tone was starting to piss Olivia off.

"No. I was just upset…"

"I'd say you were more than just upset…"

"Well if you know so much about my own fucking brain then you can answer your own damn questions." Olivia hissed. The doctor took a few steps closer to the detective. She shifted uncomfortably on the bed.

"Such profane language from such a beautiful woman," His eyes quickly scanned Olivia then made their way back to her anger laced eyes. "I'm simply trying to get to the bottom of this issue you're having so we can help you heal."

"I'm dealing with it myself, thanks. I don't need your help. I don't need you to "heal" me." Olivia's eyes squinted as she spoke. The doctor smiled and flipped through a chart in his stubby hands.

"Well, unfortunately Miss Benson, you're going to be staying with us for a long while. At least until we get you stabilized." The doctor walked over to Olivia's bedside and began checking her vitals, scribbling notes every so often as he went.

"You may as well get comfortable. You're not going anywhere until I say you're not a threat to yourself or others." Olivia opened her mouth to object but quickly shut it. It would do her no good to fight with a prick like him.

"Aww, don't look so sour, detective. Just be a good girl and you'll be out of here in no time."


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

Olivia lay restrained and restless in her hospital bed. The clock across the room let her know she should be asleep now. 2 A.M. Her arms throbbed beneath slightly stained bandages. How could she have been so stupid? How long could they possibly keep her locked up in here?

_**Were you listening at all to that doctor? You're going to be here for a very, very long time, my little Olivia.**_

"Shut up. You're not real." Olivia growled and quickly slammed her eyes shut. Her head felt like it was going to explode.

_**If I'm not real why are you talking to me?**_

Tears began to race down her face. There was logical explaination for all of this. She simply had to deal with what happened to her at Sealview and _His _voice would go away. Case closed.

_**Oh Olivia, do you really think I'll go away that easily? I'm a part of you now. I'll never let you go.**_

Olivia nawed on her bottom lip so hard it began to bleed. The taste of metal filled her mouth.

_**That's right. Hurt yourself. Draw more blood, just like you did before. Pathetic bitch.**_

The detective's silent tears quickly turned into quiet sobs. She just wanted these ugly thoughts to stop. She needed _Him _out of her head. Outside she could hear the sirens of emergency vehicles. She should be out there. She should be working on a case. Instead she was stuck in this unbearably cold hospital, alone.

_**You're not alone.**_

"Please, be quiet. Please..." Olivia quietly pleaded. She hated herself. Who the hell was she even talking too? She was telling herself, her own mind, to be quiet.

_**You may have escaped me once sweetheart, but I'll make damn sure you never will again...**_

[Insert Line Break]

"Elliot, how you doin' man?" Fin sat to the right of the blue-eyed detective. Elliot stared down at the empty beer bottle in front of him. There had been so much blood. She looked so pale. Her eyes were almost lifeless...

"Elliot..." Fin lightly shook Elliot's shoulder snapping him back into reality.

"I'm sorry," was all Elliot could manage to choke out. Fin scratched the back of his neck.

"Olivia's a strong person, Stabler. She'll make it through all this mess." Fin took another swig of his own drink. Elliot squinted his eyes in anger.

"How could I not see how bad she was getting? What am I blind? We've been partners for over a decade! I mean, you know? Ugh..." Elliot lay his head ontop of the bar in front of him.

"Stabler, we were all around her. No one saw anything..." Elliot quickly cut him off.

"But I _did _see it. I saw a change in her. Her whole spirit had changed. I could see it," Elliot's voice cracked, "I saw it in the way she looked at me. Her eyes screamed hurt and I didn't do a damn thing!" Elliot slammed a twenty dollar bill onto the bar and swiftly got up to leave.

Fin quickly finished his drink and ran after Elliot.

"Stabler! Ay, Stabler! Damn it, man, stop and look at me!" Elliot stopped moving. It was freezing outside. He didn't turn around and look at Fin.

"Listen, man. We see what we want to see. Nothing more, nothing less. We all ignored the signs because we couldn't accept the fact that something was wrong." Fin's breath made tiny white clouds as he spoke. Elliot still refused to look at him.

"I just...I need to fix this. This whole situation is a mess." Elliot whispered.

"This isn't something you can fix, man. She has to fix this. And we'll all be there to support her every step of the way."

"Fin, there...there's something I need you to tell me..." Elliot's voice trailed off. Fin's eyes crinkled with confusion.

"Shoot."

"I just, ah, she never...I mean..." Elliot growled at himself. He couldn't even put together the damn sentence.

"I need you to tell me what happened to Liv." The words finally made their way out of his dry mouth.

"Elliot, man. You don't need that in your head."

"Don't give me that bullshit, Fin! In order to help her I have to know what's wrong with her." Fin sat down on a black metal bench behind them. He rested his tired head in his hands.

"You better sit down, Stabler."

**Author's note: I know this was short and kind of uneventful but it'll get better I swear. I just wanted to update as quickly as possible:) Reviews encourage me to update more quickly. Oh, and I've started a blog. This is more like a journal about my life personally. Check it out and leave comments if you'd like:) I'm trying to force myself to write more and more so I can grow as a writer so feedback is always appreciated! Love you all.**


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